I’m Still Standing

Hello, yes it’s me and it sure feels like I’ve been thinking about us for a long, long time.

Plus at times circumstances made it seem as if all the clocks had simply stopped.

They had not. Nor have I. Through it all, seemingly against all odds and only by complete surrender can I testify that on this edition of “Becoming Today”, I’m still standing.

Since  April 5th I’ve shared limited thoughts as much of that time I have been without Internet access and for several weeks even did not have connectivity with the grid. 

In one of those moments of synchronicity on 4 April I shared “Dwelling No More”. Little did I know, that headline would take on a much more literal meaning for me.

In the coming days I’ll share more specifics about the fork my route took in the shadows of our shared path. 

While shocked and finding it difficult to believe, I never faltered into the ‘why me?” and instead sought to seek “what am I supposed to see?”.

I got more than an eyeful. First hand witnessing of behaviors, conditions and lack of responses.

As I share these thoughts with you I am very much actively involved in healing. On all four levels. Physically I suffered injuries. Intellectually, my mind has been stuck in the fight mode for weeks on end. Emotionally I was drained to the last drop. Spiritually, I had a literal wilderness to patiently endure so that I could find balance, meaning and purpose in a tsunami of circumstances.

(However,) don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?

As I return to our daily discussions, I am still processing much and taking time to reconcile, replenish and rejuvenate.

So today’s focus will be on some random revelations, thoughts and verses that I discovered or that kept me going through it all.

My initial mantra was Psalm 118:6 (NLT): The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? 

Well I was about to find out.

While always knowing that I could walk through this valley without needing to fear, some of those mere mortals I encountered did all they could yo try and force me to forget it.

I battled. I struggled. I cried. I cried out. Yet all my pondering was leading to even more questions… and concerns.

“Fearlessness allows you to overcome the doubt of man and remember your inherent divinity”.

I don’t know if I came to this through my questions or if it was whispered to me from a small still voice. I just know I scratched it down in my journal, in the dark, as Monkey and I huddled under a bridge facing a 35 degree night without a blanket. More on that later…

Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

And I’m still standing after all this time

I had to tell myself to keep going with the flow and remember that joy is essential to thriving just as food and water are to survival. 

At the time I had access to clean water, food not so much, but joy was something I could still make an effort to find.

2 Corinthians 9:8: “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need you abound in every good work.”

“If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If broken by an inside force, life begins. Great things begin from the inside”.

My shell had been cracked. Attempts to pierce it further from the outside seemed endless, yet I knew I had to shed these so I could continue on, with the strength from within.

Picking up the pieces of my life without (circumstances) on my mind

I’m still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah

Perhaps one of the most affirming things that came to me was this truth:

“Trouble is inevitable. However,misery is optional”

When that realization arrived, I had exhausted all options, seen multiple courses of action simply disappear before me and had decided the only thing I could do was stop trying. Cease striving and patiently endure the moment as I waited for the time to come.

When I did this and fully surrendered, knowing and accepting I was truly powerless, I found myself telling Monkey what I saw for the day ahead. 

With literal storm clouds above and a forecast calling for heavy downpours I told her, all we can do is remain camped by this creek and wait for our tribe to come and water their ponies.

What tribe? I had no idea. I had found my peace in that moment and knew if nothing else this was a good place for waiting.

It was within moments I heard a “Vroom, Vroom”, turned and heard a small but strong voice, proclaim “Plans have changed!”.

I responded, I didn’t know there was a plan?”.

She said to me “ I hadn’t told you, but come with me”. And we did.

To where we didn’t know.

Why? No idea.

I had to completely just trust that this was the response I was waiting for.

The rest of that story will be revealed in the coming days, on our next editions of “Becoming Today”.

Some may have noticed a few lyrical references above.. These came from the soundtrack in my mind as I sought my way back….